Friday, June 09, 2006
Dear Cast of MTV's Real World
Dear Idiots,
On behalf of the Johnson and Wang Sterilization Clinic, we would like to thank you for your business. It was a pleasure to have conducted eight surgeries in the same day, and although you know there were a few complications, I believe we can all be pleased with the results.
On a surprising note, we have received over 7,000 letters from people around the country thanking us for eliminating the possibility for you and your degenerate housemates to procreate. Ever. It appears that improving the future for humanity is good for business.
One letter reads:
Dear Johnson and Wang,
For years, MTV has single-handedly contributed to 37% of our country's daily loss of intelligence. Shows like "Pimp My Ride" and "The Real World" reinforce the belief in our children that having a shitty car is no different than having a shitty life, and all they need to do is fight with their parents and just sit back and wait for MTV to come along and save the day. I have been fighting to find stasis against this monster, and I believe a major battle has been won today. Thank you.
Another letter was simply a picture of your cast with the crotches cut out, smeared in some sort of rodent feces.
I am not sure of the global effect this remarkable event will have. Only time will tell. I do know how this will effect each of you personally, however. Never will you have to sit down with your child, attempting to decipher through sobbing convulsions why he/she/it was so upset by watching Mommy whore it up on television. You won't have to suffer through your child's first seven years of elementary school as he/she/it struggles to learn the alphabet while classmates reinact some of your famous drunken scenes shot with the bedroom nightvision camera with your knees in your ears screaming racial slurs about the only black guy in the house while getting a steaming assful of Fratboy love.
You won't ever have to feel the pangs of hypocracy as you try to tell an eight year old the importance of hard work and safe sex, or the dangers of alcohol, eating disorders, and horse tranquilizers.
Being unable to have children also makes it impossible for you to have any grandchildren, thus preventing your adult child from being the first person in history to recite the phrase, "Because Gramdma is a stupid dirty douchebag."
Most importantly, you can rest assured each night as you lay your head on a stranger's thighs, knowing that your demon seed of bi-polar self love and ingnorant laziness will die with you. Which is nice.
As for your follow-up care, please remember that some of you will need to continue to apply the ointment to where your STD sores interfered with the surgeon's scalpel. I know I'm spitting into the wind here, but I also need to remind you that sexual activity can and will cause the incisions to reopen. I know the blonde girl said, "Oh that's hot," during our post-surgery group meeting, but I assure you it is not, and more vaginal tearing is the last thing you need.
I would like to remind the gentleman with the big shoulders and the bulging forehead that you are to refrain from punching yourself in the crotch to achieve an erection each time you are intoxicated. There are other ways to prove to your housemates that you are not gay. I also wanted to let you know that when you were under a local anesthetic, you asked our intern to call you later for some "crazy sex." Rodrigo says he is not interested.
Finally, cast of MTV's Real World, I wanted to wish you the best of luck in the future, which looks a bit brighter this morning. Now stay by the phone and keep practicing your smiles in the mirror. I'm sure there will be a reunion show soon.
Sincerely,
Doctor Marcus Bowie, M.D.
On behalf of the Johnson and Wang Sterilization Clinic, we would like to thank you for your business. It was a pleasure to have conducted eight surgeries in the same day, and although you know there were a few complications, I believe we can all be pleased with the results.
On a surprising note, we have received over 7,000 letters from people around the country thanking us for eliminating the possibility for you and your degenerate housemates to procreate. Ever. It appears that improving the future for humanity is good for business.
One letter reads:
Dear Johnson and Wang,
For years, MTV has single-handedly contributed to 37% of our country's daily loss of intelligence. Shows like "Pimp My Ride" and "The Real World" reinforce the belief in our children that having a shitty car is no different than having a shitty life, and all they need to do is fight with their parents and just sit back and wait for MTV to come along and save the day. I have been fighting to find stasis against this monster, and I believe a major battle has been won today. Thank you.
Another letter was simply a picture of your cast with the crotches cut out, smeared in some sort of rodent feces.
I am not sure of the global effect this remarkable event will have. Only time will tell. I do know how this will effect each of you personally, however. Never will you have to sit down with your child, attempting to decipher through sobbing convulsions why he/she/it was so upset by watching Mommy whore it up on television. You won't have to suffer through your child's first seven years of elementary school as he/she/it struggles to learn the alphabet while classmates reinact some of your famous drunken scenes shot with the bedroom nightvision camera with your knees in your ears screaming racial slurs about the only black guy in the house while getting a steaming assful of Fratboy love.
You won't ever have to feel the pangs of hypocracy as you try to tell an eight year old the importance of hard work and safe sex, or the dangers of alcohol, eating disorders, and horse tranquilizers.
Being unable to have children also makes it impossible for you to have any grandchildren, thus preventing your adult child from being the first person in history to recite the phrase, "Because Gramdma is a stupid dirty douchebag."
Most importantly, you can rest assured each night as you lay your head on a stranger's thighs, knowing that your demon seed of bi-polar self love and ingnorant laziness will die with you. Which is nice.
As for your follow-up care, please remember that some of you will need to continue to apply the ointment to where your STD sores interfered with the surgeon's scalpel. I know I'm spitting into the wind here, but I also need to remind you that sexual activity can and will cause the incisions to reopen. I know the blonde girl said, "Oh that's hot," during our post-surgery group meeting, but I assure you it is not, and more vaginal tearing is the last thing you need.
I would like to remind the gentleman with the big shoulders and the bulging forehead that you are to refrain from punching yourself in the crotch to achieve an erection each time you are intoxicated. There are other ways to prove to your housemates that you are not gay. I also wanted to let you know that when you were under a local anesthetic, you asked our intern to call you later for some "crazy sex." Rodrigo says he is not interested.
Finally, cast of MTV's Real World, I wanted to wish you the best of luck in the future, which looks a bit brighter this morning. Now stay by the phone and keep practicing your smiles in the mirror. I'm sure there will be a reunion show soon.
Sincerely,
Doctor Marcus Bowie, M.D.
